This is Oscar Pistorius. You've heard of him. He hasn't all of his legs. He's a runner, and he uses really fancy science legs to run. He is better than pretty much anyone else in the world without legs at running, which might not be saying much of course. He's so good at running without legs that he's starting to compete against people with legs. He's not doing too bad, either. He wants to represent his country in the Olympics.
This is tiny Tim Keown. People call him "tiny" because his penis is terribly small. When Tim sees Oscar Pistorius, Tim doesn't see a guy wanting to get to the Olympics and compete against the very best the world has to offer. Tim sees a guy who wants to cheat."Should he be allowed to compete? Of course not. This really isn't that difficult. Pistorius is running on artificial legs, wonders of technology instead of flesh and bone. It's simply not the same."
Tim has basic, cognitive thinking skills. Tim understands that when he sees legs, he is looking at legs. He understands, also, that when he sees long carbon fiber blades he is seeing not legs. As he so eloquently puts it, they are "not the same."
Running is a sport made for people with complete, full legs. Legs that are strong and sturdy and exercised constantly to ensure that they will be able to carry the owner of said legs as swiftly as possible to the intended destination. Legs that were made and created to be able to carry someone to that destination.
Once again, Oscar Pistorius doesn't have a full pair of legs.
Tim Keown thinks that human+science=unfair for sports. He probably thinks about things like steroids and corked bats and those sharkskin swimming suits that they wear these days. Tim Keown believes that if you don't have legs, you simply aren't able to compete with those who do have legs.
This, to a certain extent, is true. Not the first part. The first part is stupid and makes me sad for Tim Keown because Tim Keown obviously thinks that people who are physically disabled are just like Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man."If a legless swimmer showed up at a meet with carbon-fiber flippers, would that be all right? If a legless high-jumper used spring-loaded Cheetahs, would that be allowed?
The truth is, Pistorius has an event, and it's called the Paralympics."
Tim Keown sees Oscar Pistorius run and goes "OH COOL" and then gets jealous and then writes about how he shouldn't be allowed to compete in the Olympics.
However, that is neither here nor there. I want to focus on the idea from that second part - the idea that Pistorius has his "event" in the Paralympics.
Imagine you're playing a game of tetherball. With no one. No one is made of a gaseous compound called Oxygen, thus having no arms to hit the ball with. You hit the ball. It goes around the pole on the tether. It hits the pole. You win. You won, of course, but it isn't terribly fun, is it? So you call your friend, who is made up of something Tim Keown would call old and out of date, and you play him. Let's say your friend's name is Billy. Billy is pretty good at tetherball. You play him a few times, and you split a few games. However, then you start pounding on Billy. Billy is helpless. Billy has never seen a ball that is physically connected to a tether move with such velocity. He can do nothing. However, Billy thinks you can't beat his older brother, Steve. Billy calls Steve, and Steve meets you to play. Steve is 14 and just got suspended from school for talking about Ellie Walcott's vagina in class, which he claims to have seen. Steve works out a lot and plays three sports. You're pretty sure you can't beat Steve unless you try really hard. So you practice and try really hard for about three weeks. Three weeks is a lot of time for tetherball. You've gotten to the level where Steve no longer pummels you, but you win some and he wins some and it's all fun competition.
Now, imagine that you were missing your right arm, and instead had it replaced with a carbon fiber blade. Does it change the story? Not really, because you still had to work really hard, and your lack of arm isn't of any serious advantage (even though scientists studied you for months and stated that it was).
Oscar Pistorius is better than just about anyone without legs at running. He is so good, in fact, that his times in the 100, 200, and 400 m para races are World Records. Oscar's opponents in the paralympics are a sea of Billys. Billys get boring after awhile. You want to try to beat the best. That's what makes a sport fun.
Somehow, to Tim Keown, this isn't a triumph. This isn't amazing. This is wrong.
A few years ago, Annika Sorenstam wanted to play in tournaments against men. Some people got really mad, and some even threatened to join the LPGA and play against women. These people are fucking stupid, as are the people who dont want Oscar Pistorius to compete in the Olympics, as is Tim Keown. Why?
Because those people are foolishly trying to tell an athlete that said athlete should not try to tackle the hardest opponents possible. Because those people think difference is all that matters, and other factors such as harder competition and greater pressure and a larger stage don't matter. Because these people, for some fucking reason, believe that being "different" is somehow an advantage.
Oscar Pistorius probably won't make the Olympics. He probably isn't fast enough yet. I hope he does. A sport covered with such terrible news recently as track running could use a story of someone who wanted to run more than anything in the world, even though he was born without complete legs. Seems like a good story.
And if that happens, you can bet Tim Keown will be tapping out little open-and-shut case arguments about Oscar. And with every word, Tim will be feeding ironic vibrations throughout the world, as he smiles dumbly, fabulously proud of the fact that he is the only living sportswriter without a functioning brain.
Not to mention the small penis.
