Great Moments in Showboating

There are loads of great things about sports, but perhaps the best of all of them is the unabashed showboating that happens in them all the time. As a running feature here, I'm going to attempt to catalog some of the finer moments in showboating history.

Auburn kicker pisses off everyone in Florida - Thanks to the sudden ubiquity of Florida on the national scene, the Gator Chomp is now in the canon of annoying fan hand motions (right up there with the Seminole "harbinger of a scalping" tomahawk chop and the Wolverine rheumatism claw). It's probably my favorite, because at least it makes everyone performing it look like they learned how to clap from the Helen Keller school of motor skillz. It's like a mix of "hur hur hur that's a good one der George" and "HOLY SHIT AFRICAN SPIDER WASP!" The Seminole chop offends me in ways I can scarcely name, but the Gator Chop makes me feel sad.

Something tells me the kids at Auburn share my pain. After seeing them do this for fifty-nine minutes earlier this year, and after already nailing the winning field goal only to have it nullified by the Orangeman Special, Wes Byrum said "fuck it". He lined up for the field goal, knocked it good, and defeated the Gators at home. He then does the traditional "run the opposite way like crazy for no apparent reason other than omg I'm so happy" routine, but he doesn't forget. He knows what assholes those Gator fans are (they don't have anything else to live for down there, so you can't be toooo mad, but still). So after tauntingly throwing his hands up, he looks out the crowd...and fucking does the Gator Chomp!

Look how perfect that is! There is nothing else in his mind right there - nothing about national exposure, nothing about a win, nothing about his team knocking off a national championship-worthy team. All he has in his head right there, plain and simple for everyone to see: Fuck you, Florida.

Women's Gopher Basketball Rundown

In a mixture of complete adoration for all things sport and a need to get involved on campus, I have become the beat reporter for the Women's Gopher basketball team for a certain outlet. I will be at just about every home game, and probably will listen to away games on the radio. After each game, I'll put up some thoughts

GOPHERS 74, LOUISVILLE 69

- Going to the Timberwolves game on Friday was probably a good thing, if only to show the difference between the the pro men's fans and Gopher faithful. It is a blessing for the Gophers to have such a dedicated fan base - a fan base that needs almost no prompting to clap, to boo, to make a shit load of noise to get the team going. And if we keep winning, the crowds will only get bigger.

- This game was a team victory, to be sure, but let it be known: it is a different game when Emily Fox is on the court. She was dominant when she got the ball in the first half, and in limited time in the second half she couldn't miss. She plays with such a level of energy and lovingly influences the rest of the team enough to provide a real fire when she's on (which is all the freaking time. I don't think she gets tired. If anything, she gets more intense).

Final thought about Emily: I have never seen anyone more upset to sit with foul trouble. There were about 17 minutes left in the second half, the Gophers were hanging with the Cardinals, and she gets called for a somewhat soft foul. She pounded on the court as hard as she could when she went off, and at every stop she looked like she was being chained to her seat to prevent her from rushing on court. At every substitution, she flew onto the court. Once again: it's different with Emily.

- Absolute props to Pam Borton's rotation after Fox got into foul trouble. Using defensive specialists Kay Sylva and Katie Ohm (who reminds me of a more pleasant Bruce Bowen in play style - especially with the shot put three pointer), there were more than a few times during that second half where Fox was on the court for the offensive possession, then there was a dead ball, and then there was a defensive substitution. It could be classified as good luck with all those Louisville turnovers, but Borton was on top of that situation.

- This game, in relation to the rest of their victories so far, showed that this team knows how to get a win any way it comes. In the opener against UC-Riverside (the last game I covered), the team made one basket outside the paint the whole game, with Leslie Knight and Zoe Harper dominating in the paint and on the boards.

Against Louisville, they were getting smacked around inside the whole time. They lost big on the boards and in post points, they were forced into terrible shots, and their offense was forced to pass around the perimeter until someone had the guts to drive or set a pick. So how did they win? They buckled down on defense, contested damn near every shot taken in the second half, got Ashley Ellis-Milan to the line, and Korrine Campbell had a monster game. Even with both Brittany McCoy and Zoe Harper playing poorly, the team adapted and found a way to win. This team has six players that can become scorers (seven if you count Ohm's ability to nail a three now and then), and that makes them very very dangerous.

-Angel McCoughtry=fucking crazy-go-nuts out there. 39 points. As well as we played, we had no answer for her. The only thing that stopped her from scoring 50 was that she went cold in the second half and let her emotions get the best of her (she's like Fox, only her players didn't respond as well). She was horrifying when she had the ball.

- I have a feeling this team is going to be much more dangerous at the Barn than on the road. That crowd is just so integral to their flow. However, they have proven that they really only need themselves to win, so who knows.

- They are fun as hell to watch. The end

People have no idea how to read, or, Don Shula gets no resepct

Before we start asking questions like: "did Don Shula throw fuel on the Patriots' fire?" or "is Don Shula an old buffoon?" it might just be more helpful to ask: Did Don Shula say anything about the Patriots deserving an asterisk?

Let's peek at the quote:

"The Spygate thing has diminished what they've accomplished," Shula said in an interview with the New York Daily News. "You would hate to have that attached to your accomplishments. They've got it."

Belichick was fined $500,000 and the Patriots were fined $250,000 and lost a first-round draft pick for videotaping the Jets' opposing sideline during the teams' season-opening game.

"That tells you the seriousness or significance of what they found," Shula said, according to the Daily News. "I guess you got the same thing as putting an asterisk by Barry Bonds' home run record.<

"I guess it will be noted that the Patriots were fined and a No. 1 draft choice was taken away during that year of accomplishment. The sad thing is Tom Brady looks so good, it doesn't look like he needs any help."

Now, let's break down everything Shula says:

"The Spygate thing has diminished what they've accomplished," Shula said in an interview with the New York Daily News. "You would hate to have that attached to your accomplishments. They've got it."

Here, Shula starts by what seems to be a statement of opinion. However, he follows that immediately with a universal statement about not wanting something negative (being caught videotaping other teams) connected to something positive (beating the hell out of the rest of the NFL). He is not saying anything implicitly negative about anyone at this moment.

About the fine and the draft pick:

"That tells you the seriousness or significance of what they found," Shula said, according to the Daily News. "I guess you got the same thing as putting an asterisk by Barry Bonds' home run record.

Now I understand this is difficult to do, but if you read the quote, you'll realize that he still isn't saying anything about what he thinks the Patriots deserve. He is simply saying what will be there. He doesn't say "I guess you've got to put an asterisk next to the Patriots like Barry Bonds" or anything else that implies doing something negative to the Patriots. He is saying that there will be a mark on the Patriots season - and there will be. Anytime something negative happens to your team (and losing a first round draft pick is sort of negative), it will not be remembered fondly. It might not be as big as the mark on Bonds, but he it sure seems like he was relating this event to current events rather than calling the Patriots a bunch of cheaters.

Finally:

"I guess it will be noted that the Patriots were fined and a No. 1 draft choice was taken away during that year of accomplishment. The sad thing is Tom Brady looks so good, it doesn't look like he needs any help."

Once again, he is not saying anything attacking the Pats or recommending a punishment. He is saying that people will remember that they had these negative things happen to them during this amazing season - and people more than likely will. Not out of spite or hatred, but out of simple memory. You will think back on this season and say "Yeah that was a great season. Didn't they have some kind of controversy that season too?" He even goes so far as praising Tom Terrific.

Furthermore, it's Don Shula. Dude beat my Vikings in the Super Bowl the year after that season, and even I can realize that he's to be respected.

Or at least respected enough to read his damn quote.

(P.S. Some more evidence that there was no implication of the Patriots from Shula: when the story first went on ESPN.com, the title said something to the tune of "Shula: Patriots deserve asterisk". The headline now? "Shula: If Pats go 16-0, spying spoils feat"- and that's still too harsh.)

LIVE BLOG...of the second through the fourth inning of Game ! of the World Series

Okay, we're picking up the live blogging duties a little late, because...well I just decided to do it. The Sox just scored 3 runs in the first, and now Beckett's struck out four batters in a row. Oh yeah, and ya know what else? Everything fucking sucks.

8:07 - Damn, how did that ball not get out? Atkins on 2nd, and that seems to be a bad omen: Pedroia hit a homer that was barely out in the first, and now Atkins hits what looks like a sure thing and it stays in. Bad spirits. Yaz is haunting this place.

8:09 - Oh...Yaz is here. Well, he looks like a ghost. Josh Beckett is insane. Remember last year when people were freaking out about what a bust the Mike Lowell and Beckett pickups were? The Marlins hate them now.

8:11 - Rocks on the board with a Tulowitzki double. We just hear from McCarver that the majority of the runs scored this post-season by Colorado happened with 2 outs, which is the kind of baseball stat YA LOVE TO HEAR. Torrealba (God I hope that's right) grounds out short.

8:15 - So apparently if MLB puts two clips of the Twins winning the World Series in their Dane Cook commercials, I'm okay with it. Jacoby Ellsbury at the plate, named Baserunner of the Year in the Minors this year. Well, he won't get to show his world class skills here, as he's Francis' 1st K of the game.

8:18 - Sexiest fan? What the fuck? I HAVE to check that out!!!! (note: I dont actually have to check that out)

8:23 - It's always great when there's a good Major Leaguer from Canada...they talk about him like he's from Mars. Youk strikes out, I mean he walks, but I really wanted him to strike out. They just showed a hamburger that looks like it could kill you upon touching it. Ortiz smokes the ball to left, but it trails foul...and it's still there. No one would get it.

8:24 - Fuck. Holliday screw it up, Youkilis scores, it's 4-1 Sox. I was just about to type that I would feel good if the Rockies got out of this inning without giving up a run. That's out the window. By the way, I really hope Red Sox fans don't get all up about the mystique of Fenway screwing with the Rockies. It's their first series, it's raining, they've been playing with themselves (literally) for eight days. Give 'em a break for the first game. Lowell pops up, 4-1 Sox.

8:32 - Spillborghs lines out to second, and we see home plate ump Ed Montague talking to a Sox official about the rain. Turns out it's going to get worse, but we're going to keep going. Also, at one point, Montague says "And we're already in the third?!" like he has no idea what inning this is. He's retiring after this season. Probably for the best. Matsui pops out, 1-2-3 FUCK YOU JOSH BECKETT inning.

8:37 - I think it would be better if this Bank of America just showed the opposite of every person in that mirror. Like the woman getting out of the convertable? Sucking dicks for rock. I want a bank that does that.

8:40 - Two quick outs, then...another out. Sorry. Sort of dropped the ball that inning. Still 4-1

8:46 - Dr. Robert Jarvik scares the fuck out of me. He lives in my dreams.

8:48 - Holliday teh sux into a strikout, Helton doubles, then two straight strikeouts. Why was I not paying attention? I was trying to find out when baseball games become official. it's after the top half of the fifth if the home team is ahead, bottom half if away. If the game gets called due to rain, that ensures God is on their side, right?

Well, we're going to call it a night here, just because... Enjoy the rest of the game.

Sports Weekend - 10/21

Things that will happen as a result of this weekend:

1. Bill Simmons will continue his madcap asshole streak.

2. ESPN, FOX, CBS and everyone else will continue to overlook the difference between dominating and pouring salt in the wounds.

3. Kenny Lofton will never win a World Series

4. Kenny Lofton will be blamed for Game 7.

5. Every commentator everywhere will crack out some undoubtedly hilarious jokes about Colorado Rockies fans.

6. I will continue to look at myself as a sports fan and just wonder why.

7. People will call for the head of Tim Brewster and Brad Childress. They will do nothing.

8. There will be way too much publicity given to who the Yankees will hire as their new skipper.

9. North Dakotans will not shut up for at least five years. Neither will Wisconsinites for that matter.

10. Everything will continue to be fucked.